How do I even begin to describe this new love that is so deep, I daily feel it pierce my heart? It's like, when I look at this boy, my heart hurts. Not in a bad way. In a "I would do anything for you" way.
People tell you that a love for a child is the most extreme love you will ever feel, but you can't really understand it until you are there. Even being pregnant with him, I didn't truly grasp the love I would have for him. He is so helplessly dependent on me, and I love it. I think God makes it this way so that we completely fall head over heels for our children. If we gave birth to teenagers, we probably wouldn't feel that immediate love. Ha ha.
He is so simple and so pure. So innocent and so joyful. When he smiles, my heart melts all over again .
Even though my life is more non-stop than it's ever been, I wouldn't want it any other way. Even though I can't really be by myself much any more and I'm constantly running around... there is nothing that makes me feel more fulfilled. Even when I'm learning how to feed him and pumping every 2 hours just to make sure he gets the right food, I love that I am able to sustain his life. What an incredibly awesome thing that God has created in that.
I'm choosing to put all of my fears and worries aside about not measuring up and not being the mom that he needs because I'm not able to do this and that and not good like another mom is at something. I am his mom... no one else has been given this life. I choose to trust that the Lord has given him to me for a reason and that He has completely made me capable for the task. I am going to choose JOY today as I run around and don't even have a moment for a shower, because I know that these times are going to be like a flash. I am going to choose to spend one on one time just looking at my boy and staring at every little feature so I can remember it years to come. I am choosing to laugh at all of life circumstances that don't work out exactly as I envision. God has it taken care of.
THANK YOU, GOD for this blessing of life that you have given us. I cry just thinking about it. God has given me HIS heritage and HIS son to help grow and mature. This life is more than my heart can handle... it wants to explode with love for him.
I understand now how God must feel for us. I can understand now how much it must have hurt God to, not only give up His only Son, but sacrifice His life for us. I can envision the pain that must have stung like nothing else. But He thought of us. He did it for our good.
I'm just in awe of all that God has done, thousands of years ago, and even now. How He has shown his love through each generation and now through each day of my life. He is so good.