This Love

How do I even begin to describe this new love that is so deep, I daily feel it pierce my heart? It's like, when I look at this boy, my heart hurts. Not in a bad way. In a "I would do anything for you" way.

People tell you that a love for a child is the most extreme love you will ever feel, but you can't really understand it until you are there. Even being pregnant with him, I didn't truly grasp the love I would have for him. He is so helplessly dependent on me, and I love it. I think God makes it this way so that we completely fall head over heels for our children. If we gave birth to teenagers, we probably wouldn't feel that immediate love. Ha ha.

He is so simple and so pure. So innocent and so joyful. When he smiles, my heart melts all over again .

Even though my life is more non-stop than it's ever been, I wouldn't want it any other way. Even though I can't really be by myself much any more and I'm constantly running around... there is nothing that makes me feel more fulfilled. Even when I'm learning how to feed him and pumping every 2 hours just to make sure he gets the right food, I love that I am able to sustain his life. What an incredibly awesome thing that God has created in that.

I'm choosing to put all of my fears and worries aside about not measuring up and not being the mom that he needs because I'm not able to do this and that and not good like another mom is at something. I am his mom... no one else has been given this life. I choose to trust that the Lord has given him to me for a reason and that He has completely made me capable for the task. I am going to choose JOY today as I run around and don't even have a moment for a shower, because I know that these times are going to be like a flash. I am going to choose to spend one on one time just looking at my boy and staring at every little feature so I can remember it years to come. I am choosing to laugh at all of life circumstances that don't work out exactly as I envision. God has it taken care of.

THANK YOU, GOD for this blessing of life that you have given us. I cry just thinking about it. God has given me HIS heritage and HIS son to help grow and mature. This life is more than my heart can handle... it wants to explode with love for him.

I understand now how God must feel for us. I can understand now how much it must have hurt God to, not only give up His only Son, but sacrifice His life for us. I can envision the pain that must have stung like nothing else. But He thought of us. He did it for our good.

I'm just in awe of all that God has done, thousands of years ago, and even now. How He has shown his love through each generation and now through each day of my life. He is so good.

Things Are Looking Up

Things are looking up here in the Stern casa (feeding wise). Not that things were bad, but let's just be honest... it's hard to figure out!

Thanks to EVERYONE'S advice, I felt so encouraged and felt like I could conquer the world. So, thanks to all my wonderful friends. Isn't the world wide web fantastic? :)

I took several people's advice and spent a while pumping. This was great for me because it gave me a little break from being frustrated and it allowed me to get my milk

supply up because I was doing it every 2 hours. On top of that, I started taking a Fenugreek seed supplement which has really been helping. I've only taken it for 2 days or so and so far I can see that my milk is increasing. Not to mention that it makes me smell like maple syrup! Not even kidding. My armpits smell like pancakes. Ha.

Makes me hungry while I'm on this detox diet. I'm on day 4 so far, and it was really hard at first but has gotten easier. We are eating really healthy and are feeling the good effects. More energy and things like that. I have the occasional, "get me taco bell now or I will bite your head off" craving... but those are rare. Only about 5 times a day. Just kidding. I do

love me some Taco Bell.

Little buddy is doing awesome. He is 6 weeks and is growing like a weed. He is sooo long and is just now starting to show signs of some chunkiness. I can see the beginnings of some leg rolls. Love it!! He is also getting really good at entertaining himself during the day. As long as he's fed and his diaper is changed, we can leave him to play and he talks to himself and smiles. It's really cute! He is also SO good at putting himself to sleep. At night, we have a routine and you can tell that he knows that it's bed time. We turn off the lights, feed him, swaddle

him and just lay him down. He might grunt a little but then he just falls asleep without any help from us. We feel so blessed that we aren't having to rock him or bounce him up and down for an hour. He's a really awesome baby.

By the way, this kid's smile kills me. Oh my goodness, it is perfect. He recognizes me. I will walk over to him and he will see my face and immediately smile. It's so great knowing that he knows who I am. I mean, how do you not just melt when you see this?

He will have his 8 week appointment here in a couple weeks. I'm excited to see how much he's grown.

We are loving live here in Georgia more than ever. We are getting more and more involved in our church and getting to know more and more great people. Will's job is going great and he has some other endeavors that he's about to take on.

We can't wait to get out of apartment living, so it's good motivation for us. We are hoping to buy a house in August. We want it to be a house we can stay in for at least 10 years, so we are going to be super picky about it. It will be weird to have to think so much in the future, in terms of kids and what not while we are looking. Plus, I want to homeschool so it will have to fit those needs as well. We are debt free now, and we are praying for God to help us stay debt free. We know that God wants us to be debt free and honors it when we ask for His help. So, our huge goal is to never be in debt again. Even on a house. God works miracles, why not ask for them! AND we are HIS children. So, that's our prayer for this year and all years to come. We can't imagine how flexible it will be able to make us and how available we would be for God if we were debt free for the rest of our lives.

Anyway, that's where we're headed! Excited to see where He guides us!

Feeding Frustrations

Why do people love breastfeeding so much? I've been asking myself this question from the day I brought my baby home. All I've heard are how awesome it is once you get it going and how convenient it is from people. Um, am I experiencing a different thing than all these people?

Don't get me wrong! I am SOOO thankful that my little buddy is nursing now and is doing awesome at it. I think it is sooo cool that God designed me to be able to nourish my child like this without anything else.

I'm not gonna lie though. Most days, it is a frustrating struggle for me. I either end up frustrated, feeling like a failure, or just plain tired!

The little guy latched on at about 3 weeks and I was SO excited about it. I had been using a shield up until that point which really helped establish him being comfortable nursing. I took it away one day and he's been fine without it ever since. Well, there started the soreness, the blisters, and all the other unfortunate scenarios. But, I kept trucking.

Honestly though... if I could, I would use formula. If the organic formula we buy wasn't so expensive and if he were still able to get all the nutrients he needs... believe me I would. Cai is a SLOW eater. I think this is why I don't like it. Feeding him formula is so fast and easy. He's done and full. When he nurses, he usually falls asleep... so I try everything in my power to keep him awake. Get him in his diaper so he's cold, change his diaper, tickle him... but to no avail. This kid just loves falling asleep while he eats. It's so adorable in the sense that he feels so comfortable with me. But, on the other hand, I hate the cycle. He will eat, but won't eat enough, so I stop after trying to make him eat more. Then, 30 minutes later, he's crying to be fed again because he didn't eat enough during the entire hour that I tried to feed him. So, count it up... I literally spend ALL day feeding him. Whereas, if he were eating formula... we would be done in 10 minutes and he'd be good to go.

Why oh WHY do people enjoy this? I can't get anything done during my day. Although I LOVE snuggling him and bonding with him, there comes a point where I need to brush my teeth or take a shower or do the laundry.

I feel at a loss and I'm not sure what to do. I have seriously tried everything. I can't even go do the store most of the time because he doesn't have enough in his belly to go. I know that I would just be setting myself up for a miserable time because as soon as we get there he is hungry again.

Any thoughts? Any hugs? I need them!