I have always been passionate about babies. Literally from the time I was 3 (a baby myself), all I wanted was a baby. God had put on my heart at an early age to see the value in them. I grew up loving them even more. I remember a particular conversation I had with my dad driving in the car one time at about the age of 7. He asked me, "what do you want to be when you're older? What makes you really excited?". Without even thinking I sai"d, "babies!". He then went on to help me think of all of the careers that had to do with babies. I grew up wanting to be a baby doctor, until I was in my 2nd year of college. I realized, it's not that I necessarily want to be a doctor... I want to SAVE babies. So, from very early on, God has been refining and burning me from the inside out with HIS passion for babies and children.
Will and I went to The Call in 2007. This was the most monumental point in my entire walk with God. 12 hours of fasting and prayer... and I have never heard God so clearly. So many incredible things were birthed in my heart... and I didn't even realize it until a few weeks after. I was filled with the Holy Spirit during those 12 hours, and immediately after that I felt completely overwhelmed with God's presence. I think I was crying for the last 5 hours of the meeting. Not out of sadness, but I have never been so close to God's physical presence before, that I couldn't help but let my emotions out. They were praying about things on God's heart... like Israel, and prayer, and fasting. But the one that caught my heart the most (it felt like God had caught my heart with a humongous fishing hook and reeled me in) was on the topic of abortion. Before this day, I always KNEW it was wrong... but because I wasn't as in tune with the Holy Spirit and God's heart on the issue, I couldn't truly understand why. I felt so many things... anger towards our world, anger towards the abortion "doctors", anger towards the girls who killed their babies. But God quickly took my mind in a different direction. Love for these lost people, and love for these helpless babies. I walked away from that meeting feeling more physically tired than ever before, but more amped up in my spirit than ever before.
A few weeks later, Kirk Bennett came to speak in our church. Will and I got words over our lives... and he said one particular thing over me. That I would be having dreams from God more often and that they would be during times that I'm half awake and half asleep. I had never had what I considered a "God" dream before. So, I was excited to go on this new venture with the Lord.
A couple nights later, I was in my apartment and had a dream. This was definitely a God dream. I had never experienced anything like it before. I was definitely half awake and half asleep... and, to this day, still don't know if it was reality. In my dream, I was in my room in my bed (this is why I don't know if it was reality or not... I never had a moment of waking up) and I heard whispers. I looked around my room and saw black figures swirling around all around my bed. I have never been so afraid! I kept hearing "you can't have them" ... and, in the spirit, I knew they were talking about abortion. Immediately fearful, I pulled the covers over my head and didn't want to see anymore. I looked out one more time and saw a HUGE flash of the brightest white light I have ever seen. It completely consumed that black figures. And they were gone. Although my spirit had just been stirred like never before, I was also so afraid. I heard God telling me to hurry and get a notebook and write this dream down (which I had never done before). So, I ran out and found some paper and wrote down every detail. I asked God what it meant and He said that, because of my new passion for His heart and against abortion, satan wanted to make me fearful. God said I was going up against the scariest spirit of all...death. But that is no reason to shrink back. God's light consumes it all.
Anyway, there was more to that... but I'll keep going. So, people kept randomly confirming this about me. That I am called to stand against huge armies of death. I may be alone sometimes, but to not be afraid. Literally word after word from the Lord encouraging me.
Then, my church had another speaker come in, Lou Engle, who spoke at The Call when I was there and who is also one of my heroes. I got to speak with him before the service and he asked me to sit next to him. He asked me about myself.. I wanted to share so badly with him what has been going on with me since The Call and how many things were birthed in my heart because of His faithfulness to the Lord. Just a note...Lou has been praying for abortion to end for YEARS and now has a huge calling and anointing to go around the world speaking about it (he was even on CNN). Anyway, I told him about my dream and he stopped me and said, "you know what this means, right? This is your calling in life. God is preparing you for something big, and you need to be prepared for it. It may not happen for years, but it will happen." Then, his wife prayed over my womb, knowing that satan would be after our children because God has called me to this area.
Fast forward to now. Here I am pregnant... amazed at God's goodness, even through battles. He is still stirring my heart to do the things on His heart but I am even more passionate. I can't stop crying this time thinking about it because it hits me on a personal level this time. As I sit here feeling my little boy roll in my belly and kick my ribs, I am amazed at God's creation. Amazed that God has BLESSED me to care for one of His children. This blows me away. Why was THIS child called to me in OUR family. It's a cool thing to think about.
And then I am immediately disturbed at our world. Why would anyone choose to destroy a life? Just because the child cannot speak or fight for itself does not in any means make it ok to kill. Why are people put in jail on two counts of murder when they murder a pregnant woman, but no one says anything to the "doctor" who kills innocent babies every day of their life...knowingly! Why won't people wake up and see what is really taking place here? Why don't people care about the genocide?
These are the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. What can I DO God??? I feel so worthless... like there is nothing I can do. I literally cry every time I think about it. Even just seeing my baby at 8 weeks... moving around with very visible arms and legs. People, day by day, are ripping apart, limb by limb, babies at 8 weeks.
So, here I sit. Going through all the words people have given me. Going through the dreams that God has let me see. Seeing that this hasn't been an accident. God has been preparing me from a young age to be the voice for a generation that literally has no voice. To represent the scream over the nation that couldn't hear the millions of screams from these babies being murdered. God is slowly, but surely, preparing me. He is letting me become so passionate and so mad at the sin in the world, that I won't be afraid to show it. I won't be afraid to stand up. I won't be afraid to be persecuted for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Here I am saying, "God, do with me what You want. I want to be used by You". Not just when it's convenient for me... but when God says "GO". I don't want to be a selfish person who only looks at MY life and is ok with living for my plans and purposes. I want to be the person who looks continually on God's heart and says, "God, what is making you hurt today?".... and then doing something about it. I want to be a person who is not afraid of people hating me and calling me names. Nothing is worse than what Jesus endured. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
I challenge you to find that thing that God has drilled into your spirit. I can guarantee, it's at least one thing. It's not something you are passionate about... it is something that God's heart cries out for. Find that thing... pray over it, cry over it, find scripture over it, practice talking to people about it. DO something about it. We were called, as God's people, to live as His hands and feet on this world. How can we expect to do that when we are so consumed with how WE think life should look? Have you ever thought that maybe God doesn't at all see life as Americans view life? Be willing to sacrifice for the gospel.
Will and I moved to Atlanta after a very trying time in Louisiana. We moved here, no job... nothing. Just our faith on the fact that God TOLD us that we needed to be here for this church. We are here, first and foremost, for God. Not a job... not a hobby... not money... for GOD. This season has been the most blessed season of both of our lives because we chose to make that our number one concern.
If you're a believer in Christ, I just ask you to not be afraid to look different. Not be afraid to have people be mad at you. God never promised everyone would love us... actually, just the opposite. Expect the fact that Christians look different, and they should. The moment we start fitting in with the rest of the world is when there is a problem.
Let God burn your heart and let go of your own plans. THIS is when we will truly stand out and separate the darkness from the light. This is when we will see changes and welcome Jesus back in.
Ezekiel 22:30 - ...So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before Me on behalf of the land...